Last week, by all accounts, was a pretty terrible week. I've suffered bouts of depression in the past, but not like this.
Friday was the worst. I didn't sleep too well, I woke up late, got up, had breakfast, did my normal (late) morning routine, planned to get some work done. But everything was all wrong. Nothing bad had happened, but I just felt off. Somehow the day was a mirror image of the dreams I'd had that morning, where I'd been a dispassionate observer to acts of terrible violence; now that I was awake, I was a terrified, desperate observer to nothing in particular.
All I wanted was to crawl back into bed and do nothing but sleep or play or watch movies to distract myself.
Friday was the worst, but the depression extended into several days before and after. It's now Monday, and I'm determined not to let it get the best of me. I'm done crying, and I hate the feeling. There are many things in my life I have no control over, but my state of mind is not one of them. I'm not sure what set the episode off this time, but I have been staying up very late (3 am, most nights), and I got lazy about taking supplements. I try to take a multivitamin every day, with an additional dose of 10,000 IU of Vitamin D and at least 2 grams of fish oil.
I hate that the depression had such a hold over me. It makes you lose control over yourself, and exacerbates all sorts of other problems. I can't function that way. I know I am responsible for the way I feel and the choices I make, no matter what the circumstances are, and I won't let depression take away my free will.